How to grieve a Monster? Part-2
Emotional upheaval and fear stricken memories that is coated with occasional goodness and packaged colourfully as upbringing.
Hello! This is Part-II of a two part post. In Part-I, I’ve written about an onerous personal story that’s been sitting uncomfortably in the deep abyss of my heart & a funeral experience that I glumly left unfinished. In this post I shall talk more about how both of these came together like a gentle medley to provide me with some solace & consolation and probably some strength? Here’s Part-I for you to read, if you have knocked on this door first!
If you are done reading the previous post , let’s get started on this one .
We started to talk
There was a brief silence and gentle exchange of nods. We started talking on how his health deteriorated in an almost sudden manner when he was showing a steady progress, slowly I was trying my best to convey how he had his worries about them and how he was proud of his daughter. All of it somehow reached an unconvinced ear, a lil disbelief that floated in their gaze that I later understood that they were quite far away from believing all of what I was saying in its literal sense. Almost like his actions & behaviour didn’t match, as if the results came back negative when the patient was clearly exhibiting the symptoms.It was confusing & a difficult thing to process for them, I wasn’t understanding a thing, at the moment but things started getting clear a little while later.
A lil backstory
His daughter,Sarah and I both studied Architecture. She was a couple years senior to me. My acquaintance did stunning period furnitures and elegant Victorian era kitchens for a living. He was a brilliant man with a kind of passion that glistened through his eyes and it reflected subtly through this work. He is stern with his opinions, and scrunched his mouth a lot and fondly called me “beta” ( beta means child in Hindi, more specifically son).
He works with Architects mostly and kinda pushed Sarah to study Architecture when she wasn’t willing to. She is this stunningly creative, gentle as a flower kinda girl. She might seem quiet but her spirit is so warm, loyal and cheerful. I look up to her a lot.She has a very refined taste , almost like she could turn anything simple into a matter of sophistication with such ease.
Share this with someone who feels the same as me or Sarah?!
Hardships that went haywire
Sarah was struggling to put up with his increasing expectations and her inability to channel her energy into something she didn’t like. It’s basically someone dictating what you should do long term. I mean there is no visible end to this.Meanwhile Sarah’s mom had to endure constant domination and unkindness as well. It broke me when Sarah said , “My mom hasn’t slept peacefully all these years and her anxiety was at an all time high.”
Aunty confessed not shedding a tear when the doctors huddled to tell her , that her husband may not survive and the nurses nearby were too surprised to see her face that carried a simple blankness. My heart sank . I don’t know how much these two women should have gone through to talk all of this. Sarah also talked about how confusing it was to grieve her dad, when she knew in plain sight that even though he loved them, his expression of love was through control & what he thought was good for them.Even though she had good things to remember him by, it was often the intensity of the bad ones that overweighed & dominated her mindspace. She also knew he had big plans for her & that didn’t align with her but none of that were justified in her view. She went months without talking a word to him despite staying in the same house simply because she couldn’t go any longer.
Establishing a Connection
How does my story intertwine with this? The family member I was talking about in the previous newsletter was a man of similar emotional demeanour to my acquaintance . In my opinion, my acq seems a tad bit better than the man in my story, since he had wished to see his daughter in higher ranks, a respectable position in the society, a famous Architect. Something he couldn’t become but was forced to work under.He had a better plan to see his daughter in a better place. The one with respect.
The man in my story wanted women to stay at home, to not have a career or an identity. He was scared of it, he was scared of a woman outdoing him. How lame? How shallow? Would you believe , that I am the first woman in my family to work? That I am the first woman to step out of her lines to be employed? To be able to earn her own bread & butter? The other women in the family are housewives with dreams that they buried long back to raise a family?I sometimes feel guilty to live a life somebody has dreamed of, a life that’s never theirs but mine.Someone like me, who never experienced that trauma firsthand, no sacrifices to make but is able to live their dream life. A life on their own terms.The one that’s without the intervention of man.
Reflections
Now I am asking you, How would you grieve a person who has traumatised your life and reduced you to a lifeless bark? Is it wrong if your heart feels a tiny sliver of relief after all this? Is it wrong if you feel like you can finally take a breather and be your true self, something that’s not under any force or the one abides by another’s ego? Is it wrong to be without that goddamn anxiety for a day & being hopeful that you can be without one going forward in life? Isn’t this what true freedom looks like?
As far as complicated & intense Sarah’s story is , I feel their immense strength that helped them pull through this situation. A lot of unsaid words and heaviness in their chests that they had to carry for too long. A confusion to even grieve? To be in a befuddled state of mind and having difficulty in letting it go is not an easy task. The series of events have moved me in ways I can’t talk, but what I’ve learnt will stay with me for years to come. The utter confusion in extremely tangled situations and to find a will so strong to keep life on the move. It’s difficult , when you can’t possibly put a tag on what you are feeling or the situation that you’ve been put in. But life does go on , and how we choose to despite our past is in our very own hands.
Sarah said it’s gonna be okay, & so do I.
Love & Light,
Madhu <3
Consider supporting me, if any of my words made some sense to you or if it speaks to you gently.It would go a long way in encouraging me to write more! A sweet treat is what I love and what is better in life than a cupcake anyway?
Thank you for the generous restack @Easy Weezy 🙌🏾
Don't feel bad for feeling relief when a toxic person is removed from your life. If they were an asshole in life, they're still an asshole in death.